In our never-ending quest to bring our readers the real stories behind the headlines, our journalists have secured behind-the-scenes details that our readers can find nowhere else.
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Countries Anxious to Help
Washington,DC, May 24, 2009
President B. Hussein Obama announced today that he has successfully negotiated an agreement with three countries to accept Guantanamo detainees. With the addition of these new participants, the grand total of countries joining in the President’s initiative increases by 100%.
“This agreement is evidence that entire civilized world repudiates the immoral and inhumane treatment of the detainees previously housed at Guantanamo, and is eager to partner with the United States in bringing rehabilitation to those disadvantaged and mistreated souls.”
“Andorra, Tuvalu and Kiribati have each agreed to take one (1) detainee who is an “articulate, bright, clean and a nice-looking guy.” In exchange, the United States will provide foreign aid in the amount of $33.33 billion dollars to each of the countries.”
“The previous administration’s policies were abhorrent and repugnant, and these countries have assured us that they will provide humane assistance to the detainees consisting of housing, clothing, medical care, and seventy-two virgins to each of their new citizens to help them to integrate into their respective societies. Each will also be gainfully employed by serving as Ambassador to the United States with full diplomatic privileges.”
Obama continued, “In addition, we have committed to building a Mosque, a Medrassa, and a training camp in each country to help the immigrants continue their religious education.”
“We are pleased that the nations of the world are joining us to show that under my administration, compassionate treatment and common sense have returned to the United States.”
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The President Draws a Line in the Sand
Washington, DC, May 26, 2009
President B. Hussein Obama took a firm stand today against the recent nuclear testing by North Korea. “I strongly disapprove of Kim Jong-il’s actions and will hold my breath until he relents and says he’s sorry,” were the harsh words used by the President to describe his disapproval.
White House insiders, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the President was livid (a trendy shade of grayish-blue) when told of North Korea’s successful test. “Darn that Kimmie-Jong … he broke his promise … he's making me look like an inexperienced, incompetent egotist.”
The President’s advisors were hurriedly assembled to define his formal response. They reportedly went through a multitude of possible diplomatic actions, ranging from feigned indignation to severe tongue-lashing, and even considered the imposition of a time-out.
After an all-night session, the consensus was that an embargo was in order. While it would be an escalation of the United State’s position vis-à-vis the recalcitrant little dude, it would send a strong and necessary message.
The decision was made to embargo the shoe lifts that enable the altitudinally-challenged Kim to soar to a height of five feet. “Send him a DVD of my speeches in the wrong format, that’ll show him,” chuckled a self-satisfied Obama. "And if that doesn't work, we'll send him an Ipod loaded with rap music."
An unconfirmed rumor had the President calling Kim a “mini-me-sized turd in the international punchbowl” during the discussions.
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Presidential Debate Now Unlikely
Washington, DC, May 26, 2009
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had challenged President B. Hussein Obama to a debate on global issues, expected to be held at the United Nations.
The initial response from President Obama was enthusiasm, as he welcomed the opportunity to meet anywhere, anytime to debate the Iranian leader. He expected to confront the Iranian strongman and after rhetorically emasculating him, would offer him an olive branch of foreign aid if he would just cooperate.
Pursuant to the debate, both party’s representatives met to negotiate the details, but the U.S. negotiator, Dr. Hu Flung Poo walked out of the session when his Iranian counterpart refused to allow Obama to prescreen questions or to use a teleprompter.
The Iranian negotiator, Ali bin Pasta al-Dante expressed concern that Dr. Poo had taken such an inflexible position on the teleprompter issue. “Can he not talk without his Satanic devil helping him?”
Dr. Poo later explained that a scheduling conflict had come up and required the President’s attendance at the opening of Nadine’s Grits ‘N Gravy in his old Chicago neighborhood. Dr. Poo said that the President sent his regrets and reiterated his offer to meet Ahmadinejad (almost) anytime, anywhere.